its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
