You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
