New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
