I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Randomize
