My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
