I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
