I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
