i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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