Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
