Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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