Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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