I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
