if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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