Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
