So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
