my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
so let's talk penis.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
