There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
