I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
