Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
