I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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