just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
