He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo