im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
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He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
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You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.