did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
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dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
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Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.