You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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