apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
