I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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