My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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