Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
