got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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