I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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