Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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