i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm both gender and math confused
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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