What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
