Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
