So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
