whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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