You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
