ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
