I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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