Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
