Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
