onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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