Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
