Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
