I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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