East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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