Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
