I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
