Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I will pee on everything he values.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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