you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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