wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
