Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
