Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
