I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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