I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
i need some magic done to my vagina
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
