I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It's shark week go big or go home
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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