i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
