just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
