I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
