Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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