I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
