Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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