There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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