someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
