How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
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