Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
